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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25386517">I can't.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvelousxmalec/pseuds/Marvelousxmalec'>Marvelousxmalec</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Caring Magnus Bane, Fix-It of Sorts, Good Friend Catarina Loss, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Bane &amp; Catarina Loss Friendship, Major Character Injury, Minor Injuries, Mortal Magnus Bane, Sad Alec Lightwood, Sad Ending, Sad Magnus Bane, Sad Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:53:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,988</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25386517</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvelousxmalec/pseuds/Marvelousxmalec</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A continuation of where episode 3x10 left with malec. Since it always bothered me how was alec completely fine in episode 11. Have fun with the angst and feels :,)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood &amp; Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane &amp; Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane &amp; Catarina Loss, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So this is angsty and sad but honestly I've enjoyed writing it. Also look! It's longer. I added the graphic description tag even though it's not that graphic. But just incase since tags are important :) </p><p>Kudos and comments make my day! </p><p>And of course i accept criticism, just be nice with it, I'm a gentle soul :,)</p><p>Enjoy your reading!♡</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Magnus please you gotta fix him" magnus faintly heard jace talking beside him, his voice hoarse and panicked. Hoarse from the demonic substance that he just vomited on the floor when Magnus finally released him from his demonic possession of the queen of hell. Panicked over his older brother, his parabatai, that he unwittingly attacked before magnus got there.</p><p>"I can't"  </p><p>The words hurt magnus' throat. It felt like a thousand little knights were cutting the inside of his mouth as he spoke them aloud. He felt hopeless, ashamed and guilty. He should've been here sooner. Then none of this would've happened. </p><p>"You can't, what do you mean you can't?"</p><p>the decision he made wasn't easy. It was one of the hardest choices he ever had to make. But could he ever had been able to live with himself, if he knew that his shadowhunter had to kill his own little brother, his own parabatai and in the process kill a part of himself as well, knowing that there was a way to avoid it? As much as he hated his father, he loved Alexander more.</p><p>"My magic."</p><p>Magnus had to pause, for his own sake.</p><p>"It's gone. I traded it to break lilith's hold on you." </p><p>Magnus saw jace moving from the corner of his eyes as he shifted his focus completely to his boyfriend on the ground. Jace pulled out his stele and activated their rune to try and heal him on his own. It didn't work. </p><p>"Jace.. it wasn't you.." </p><p>Magnus perked at the sound of alec's voice. He sounded weak, absolutely defeated.</p><p>"I'll take care of him" </p><p>Magnus and jace exchanged a look of agreement. Almost to say "i won't let him go" and jace's eyes answered "i trust you" as they nodded to each other</p><p>"I'm going to get clary"</p><p>Jace's eyes got their shiny angelic glow as he took off to find clary. Magnus looked down at alec, who was breathing heavily while holding onto jace's stele and his broken hand. He gentley brushed his polished fingers next to the arrow that was stuck in his shadowhunter's upper chest and alec hissed in pain. </p><p>" mag...ma..." he tried to speak but coughed instead. He was trying to open his eyes fully to look at the now ex-warlock but failed. He, again, tried to speak, took a deep breath but his chest stopped going upwards mid breath and he coughed again. </p><p>Magnus' heart broke, he has always seen alec as a strong and brave shadowhunter, now he can't even take a breath. "I'm so sorry Alec.. I should've come sooner.. I'm sorry" magnus held in the tears that were threatening to fall down his face, to not worry or stress his Alexander even more. </p><p>He stroked alec's check with his thumb. "I.. ha.. agh.." his breath got Caught up in his throat and he started coughing non-stop, slightly hitting his head on the ground. " shh.. alec calm down.... it's okay dear.. it's okay I'm here...shh..." the older man softly whispered, trying to calm him down. </p><p>Magnus held onto his shoulders and bent down to his face, leaving a kiss on his check that was wet from tears, leaving a slight salty taste on magnus' lips. he was still breathing but magnus couldn't even hear it. </p><p>Suddenly he looked down at alec and saw his eyes close slowly. Magnus immediately panicked and took one of his hands off to pull out his phone, mentally cursing himself for not doing it sooner. dialing catarina's number.</p><p>"Catarina.. I need you to come to me right now!" He could tell that the way he spoke took her by surprise. "Magnus what's going on?" Magnus could feel the tears burning in his eyes. "Alec.. it's alec. It's ALEC HE'S DYING COME SAVE HIM! CAT PLEASE!..." his tears started to fall, rolling down his cheeks like a waterfall. there were so many they fell down like rain on alec's hands. </p><p>"Okay Magnus I'll be right there calm down it's going to fine" then she hung up the phone. It took seconds and a portal opened next to the unconscious shadowhunter and his panicked boyfriend. catarina rushed to alec's side looking at her friend. </p><p>"what happened Magnus?" She asked looking at the arrow that was deep down alec's chest. "It was the owl.. He did it... cat I can't lose him please do something!" Magnus told her, voice pleading and more tears filled his eyes.</p><p>"why didn't you use your magic?!" She asked, confused. Asking the one question magnus didn't want to answer, answering honestly and admiting the situation aloud will make it even more of a reality, and magnus wasn't ready for that yet.</p><p>"Because I ...i don't have magic anymore..." "WHAT?!" She screamed. " it's a long story okay! Just save him cat, I'm begging you!" The ex-warlock yelled and grabbed the warlock at her shoulders, looking in her eyes. "Of coures I will, but you need to do something for me first" " what is it?" She looked at her friend, her face grim and filled with sorrow. As if her next words will shake magnus' would even more then it already has been.</p><p>She swallowed, looking and pointing at the arrow that's nestled inside the flesh of his beloved shadowhunter chest's and said "i can't heal him with the arrow inside. I'll use my magic to keep his blood in place so he won't bleed out, but you have to pull it out".</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>here's chapter two since you guys asked for it.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"...you have to pull it out". Magnus' blood ran cold. The words barely registered in his head. He looked at Catarina wide eyed and gulped. "Catarina.."</p><p> </p><p>He paused. Again, for his own sake.</p><p> </p><p>"I can't"</p><p> </p><p>"Magnus. I won't be able to heal him. He'll die." Her last two words brought back Magnus' panic for his Shadowhunter. He knew Catarina didn't mean to make him feel worse. She was trying to shake him from his state of shock. She wanted to save Alec's life. But she needed Magnus' help.</p><p> </p><p>"Let's get him back to the loft. It's dangerous here." Catarina tried to reach him again. This time Magnus looked at her and nodded. His eyes full of helplessness. He couldn't process anything that was happening. His magic was gone. Alec was dying. He couldn't help him. He couldn't do anything. He was too late. He lost so much. And now he might lose Alec too.</p><p> </p><p>Something then snapped in him. He can't fail his Alexander. He won't let him die, especially because Magnus didn't do everything he could. "Let's go. Open a portal and help me carry him" Magnus said, his voice gentle.</p><p> </p><p>Catarina swirled her wrist and a portal opened near them. They carried Alec bridal style from each side of him and walked through to find themselves at the living room of Magnus' loft.</p><p> </p><p>Magnus was immediately aware of the absence of the feel of his wards. Paranoia hitting him immediately. He wasn't safe even in his own home. What about Alec? He might need time to recover, he couldn't protect himself and Magnus couldn't protect him now either.</p><p> </p><p>Magnus was averted from his thoughts when he felt Alec slipping from his grip and hearing Catarina groan. Alec was heavy, even for both of them, he wasn't a small man in any means. Magnus was tired and Catarina definitely couldn't take more of the weight than Magnus. He quickly adjusted his grip on Alec and urged Catarina to move, aiming to lay Alec down on the couch.</p><p> </p><p>When they got right by the couch Catarina left Alec in Magnus' arms. He tumbled from the weight and dropped Alec's unconscious body to the cushions. He cringed and hissed. Hoping he didn't drop him too hard to cause even more damage. He lowered himself down on his knees. Facing the damned arrow that was stuck in his lover's chest.</p><p> </p><p>Catarina let her magic flow around Alec. Healing some small wounds and his broken wrist. Suddenly Alec took a deep breath and it caught in his throat. Making a small choking noise that made Magnus jump. His hands instinctively going to cup Alec's cheeks. "Alexander? Alexander! Can you hear me? I'm right here love" Magnus' breathing picked up and he was slightly shaking Alec around, looking for a signal that he is alive.</p><p> </p><p>"Mag- ahh- ma.." Alec's eyes were barely open. The burning in his chest made him feel like he was going to explode. He felt like there was a stone stuck in his throat but the pain of his wrist was gone. It was then that he caught sight of cat. Assuming Magnus called her to help.</p><p> </p><p>"Shh don't speak dear. Save your strength, cat is going to save you okay? I promise." Now Alec managed to open his eyes. Magnus looked in them, the comfort that always came with the hazel color washed over the former warlock. Alec looked surprisingly calm. He wasn't scared. He really wasn't afraid. Magnus was with him. Even better, Magnus came back, he was safe here with him. And his brother was finally free too. Magnus promised he will be fine, he has nothing to be scared of anymore.</p><p> </p><p>"We can't waste anymore time Magnus. It must be done now." Catarina's magic reached Alec again. He felt it seep into him. Around the arrow. "Alec i need you to listen to me" Catarina began to explain. "My magic will be making sure you won't bleed out and Magnus will pull out the arrow. I need you to keep still until it's out. It will hurt even more if you fidget. Once he takes it out I'll heal you and close the wound" she finished and gave Magnus a pointed look.</p><p> </p><p>Magnus grabbed the arrow with one hand gently and looked at Alec, who was staring at the ceiling and mentally preparing himself for the pain that he's about to endure. He took a deep breath and added a second hand. "Stay still angel" was all he said and then pulled the arrow in a swift motion as fast as he could.</p><p> </p><p>Alexander's scream pierced through the loft. It was long and stretched out for a minute or two as Catarina proceeded to heal him. The sound full of agony and pain. Alec's voice breaking and cracking in his throat. It sounded like his vocal cords were being ripped out of him. His eyes closed shut aggressively. The sound made Magnus' ears ring and his eyes watered at the sorrow that he felt in his heart. Nothing has ever hurt him as listening to Alec being in unbelievable pain that he couldn't prevent.</p><p> </p><p>Catarina swiped one hand across Alec's body, putting him to sleep and shifted her attention back to his wounds. "He shouldn't be in pain. Poor boy." She said quietly. Almost like she said it to herself and not Magnus.</p><p> </p><p>He knew cat respected Alec. He's told her about things Alec has done during their relationship that were the evidence that the Shadowhunter was special. Not just to Magnus and how much he loved him so quickly but he was also spacial with how he treated Magnus unlike anyone else has before. Just that was enough for Catarina to like him and their relationship. But his treatment to the rest of the Downworld put in many extra points for her.</p><p> </p><p>"The wound is closed. He should swipe an Iratze when it starts to hurt after he wakes up. He should take a day or two to rest and then he should be all right." Magnus released a breath of relief. His Shadowhunter is going to be okay. He's alive. But as relived as he felt, he couldn't ignore the voices in his head. One that said it's all his fault. That he should've been there sooner, that he took too long.</p><p> </p><p>Another voice reminded him of what he lost. He was a mundane now. A little useless mundane. He should've been the one to save Alexander's life. But he is powerless. If it wasn't for cat Alec would be gone. And Magnus would've lost everything he had. He would've lost this incredible young man. This man that loved him like no one ever did. The one who accepted him and wanted him exactly how he is. How could he let it get so close.</p><p> </p><p>"When will he be awake?" Magnus spoke up. His eyes never leaving the face of his unconscious boyfriend. Worried that if he looked away he will be taken from him. "He will probably sleep through the night. Make sure he eats a lot of food when he wakes up as well. Just to make sure he produces more blood cells after all the blood he lost." Magnus nodded. There's no way he is letting Alec move a finger until he is completely recovered.</p><p> </p><p>Magnus finally turned his gaze to her. "Thank you so much my dear. You have no idea what you've done for me tonight. I'm indebted to you." He said, his eyes grateful and full of tears. She was his best friend, but he wouldn't break in front of her. He couldn't allow himself to be weak.</p><p> </p><p>"How about you pay me now and tell me what the hell happened with Asmodeus" he didn't want to tell her. He didn't want to relive it. "Magnus talk to me." She pleaded. The warlock was about to reach out and rest a hand on his shoulder but Magnus jumped to his feet. "Help me bring him to the bedroom." He said, trying to pretend that he didn't hear her. Hoping she'll have mercy on him and let it go.</p><p> </p><p>They both carried the Shadowhunter from the couch to the bedroom. They were both exhausted. They dropped Alec on the bed. Both thankful that he was sleeping and couldn't feel a thing. Magnus dropped himself next to Alec, resting on one elbow while looking down at his boy. Finally he looked peaceful, not experiencing any pain or sorrow anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Catarina gave her friend a moment with the Shadowhunter and left the room.</p><p> </p><p>Magnus snuggled into Alec's side. Careful with his wound but he needed to be close to his boyfriend right now. He was his anchor in this moment. The comforting feeling that came with being around Alec was wafting over him, settling into his tired, defeated bones. Laying with Alexander in his bed, listening to him breathing was the only thing that could make him completely relaxed sometimes.</p><p> </p><p>Magnus leaned up and cupped Alec's cheek and started to peck and leave kisses all over his face and jawline. Then he pressed his face to Alec's, his nose poking his boyfriend's cheek and his forehead pressing to Alec's temple.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you Alec." He paused to let out a quiet sob. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry. How could i even let this happen. I'm so so sorry." He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He heard Alec's voice in his head.</p><p> </p><p>"𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶."</p><p> </p><p>"I can't lose you Alec. I can't live without you angel." Was this how Alec felt when he got Magnus back outside the hunter's moon? That incredibly terrifying yet amazing feeling that he can't imagine his life without his boyfriend's presence in it. That every life experience and every single touch was made anew with him entering his life?</p><p> </p><p>Magnus let the sobs escape him now. The thought of losing Alec made him feel like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. Having to live through the day Alec will eventually die was something Magnus didn't let himself think about too much. But with the current situation it seems he wouldn't have to worry about it. But he didn't know how to feel about that. Everything still felt like a horrible nightmare.</p><p> </p><p>He's just waiting to finally wake up from what literal hell he is in right now. He wants to open his eyes and see his beautiful, young Shadowhunter staring back at him. Have their exchange of good mornings. Have Alec ask him how he slept and proceed to have a 30 minutes make out and cuddle session before Alec had to leave to run his institute.</p><p> </p><p>But no matter how much he tried, that won't come. He lost his magic. He saw his father again, all of those years and early memories he spent by his side came rushing again. Alec almost died and Magnus couldn't save him. Alec was in immense pain and Magnus couldn't take it away. What is he even supposed to do now?</p><p> </p><p>Does he tell Alec about how lost and terrified he feels? No. He can't. He won't burden his Alexander like that. Especially now after everything he went through. Will he speak to Catarina? Maybe. But will it be fair to burden her with this? She had a tough job, hell, she was a mother. She has more than enough on her plate.</p><p> </p><p>Magnus will do fine on his own. He'll find a way to get his magic back, somehow. He won't burden his loved ones with his problems when they have so much to handle as it is. Cat doesn't have time to help him. Alec needs him so he could recover. Magnus will take care of himself when it's the right time, for now, it's time to put on his mask. The one that says that he's strong, confident and happy. No one should worry about him. Especially not his Alexander.</p><p> </p><p>Magnus doesn't regret what he's done. Alec doesn't deserve the pain of losing his Parabatai. Losing a part of his soul. He doesn't want Alec to be in any kind of pain. Ever. He won't burden Alec. He won't let Alec be in pain. He will take care of his love. He will help him get through anything that comes his way.</p><p> </p><p>He won't fail Alec again. Ever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you want a second chapter to this. Let me know in the comments!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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